A Realistic Approach to Getting out of Your Own Way



"Oh yes, that's my specialty," award-winning novelist Margaret Atwood reveals in an interview with Bustle when asked if she procrastinates. In my mind, it would be nice to attribute a successful career under my belt—fifty years from now, God willing—to postponing things until the latest possible time. The likelihood of this actually happening is quite low. While it can be argued that there are some positive benefits to procrastinating, the advantages of a clear and focused path far outweigh the risk factors associated with any habits to the contrary.

Show me someone who gets excited about deadlines and I'll show you someone who is an effective liar. I'm actively scrambling to meet more than one project deadline and I've realized this is the natural (anxious) order of things when you have a tendency to spread yourself too thin, as I often do—the key to meeting deadlines, being fair to yourself: creating more quiet, focused, and inspired spaces, leaving messages unread and calls unanswered, not making myself too emotionally available to those who aren't in the habit of navigating life for themselves and forcing them to take charge in areas they often rely on me to assist with, constantly improving my organizational skills, not indulging in trivial things that interfere with me getting started on projects and tasks sooner, and overcoming the false mindset that "I have plenty of time."

Show me someone who has never felt discouraged at some point and I'll show you someone who can't possibly be human. Rewind to just a few months ago, newly exited and finally free from a relationship I was starving in and traded my authenticity for. Cutting those ties was vital to me repairing my relationship with myself and rebuilding love independent from someone I had allowed to reduce roughly every dimension of my identity. Perspective still shaky, it was something Rosario Dawson said to me after sharing some intimate thoughts about my 6-year relationship coming to an end that helped me to regain my sense of self, “...minus the doubt speak.” It was the weight of those words, specifically, that made me realize the true extent of forfeiture my self-esteem had undergone being in that toxic space. Moving forward, I needed to hold myself accountable in order to believe in myself again. We’ve all been there—at the edge of feeling discouraged and unsure of how to maintain balance in that internal environment so as not to fall and plummet to our emotional deaths—haven’t we?

Show me someone who doesn't have any regrets and I'll show you someone who doesn't make enough time to reflect. Unresolved regrets are the mental equivalent of mud if you’re not careful about getting stuck. Between the things left unsaid and the things left unmended, there is plenty I wish I could go back in time and rewrite. The reality is, I can’t, but sometimes even the firmest grip on reality isn’t enough to ease the scattered longings within me for a do-over. To safeguard my journey through regretful thinking, I’ve been learning to accept things in a deeper way and with less resistance for the things I can’t change—letting go.

It’s not always easy to reformat the self-sabotaging thoughts, patterns, and behaviors you’ve been conditioned to. Life is hard and the reasons are usually two: hearts hurt and minds trick. Reminding yourself where you’re headed and paving a clear path to get there through establishing healthy habits and deliberate action is how you face the daily challenges when life trips you up.

I'm Every Woman, Not Some Sub-Par Headlining Act

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I remember cringing the first time someone told me I was a “beautiful woman”: post-shower, naked, and completely vulnerable before her. In retrospect, it wasn’t so much being called “beautiful” as it was hearing it paired with “woman.” Not that I was ashamed of my womanhood or being seen in a full-blown feminine light, but in that moment I realized that I had previously only ever been made to feel marveled at as some kind of core aesthetic. Overlooked, pacified. A mute screen of woman. It was the first time I felt fully embraced as a valid representation of a woman and not hindered by my androgyny.

“My only purpose is to be the most authentic representation of myself I can be. If any or all of what that looks like makes you uncomfortable, I’m not sorry. For some, my message will be lost on. I won’t be for everybody and that’s okay. To those who see ME: Thank you.” 

I’ve been embracing myself more and hiding less. I feel empowered in my skin. On this journey of freedom, I feel a neutralized sense of gender expression notwithstanding the insistence to label me with little to no room for fluidity. I feel secure enough in my sexuality to intimately explore the full-spectrum of women—having only ever dated hyper-feminine women—as my attraction to more masculine-presenting women blooms. This transparency—still one-hundred percent human—invokes a heightened sense of vulnerability:

“How will I be responded to?”

I’m immediately reminded that I’m not anyone’s boxed perception of me—synonymous only with my propensity to leave room to redefine myself, and again. And again.

Why I Stopped Hyphenating "Self Love"


The use of hyphens in “self love” has been resonating on a strange level of irony for me, lately. Love is just as much an individual phenomenon as it is a universal one. Yet I feel we don’t create enough space for it inside. We don’t allow it to radiate independent of social acceptability and our desire to be loved by others, enough. We tend to be great at meeting others’ needs, thus neglecting ourselves and making it that much harder to return to the empowered place where we feel worthy (without validation).

Removing the hyphen, for me, represents the space required to actively honor new and old commitments to ourselves not attached to anyone or anything. space to be better to our hearts. Space to love our bodies. Space to learn to say “no” when too many “yes”s deprive us of ourselves. Space to not allow ourselves to be mistreated. Space to find our voices and to never lose them once we’ve found them. Space to tell our stories. Space to start over. Space to make our own choices. Space to sit with our real selves beyond our surface selves. Space to express. Space to redefine inner feelings of peace. Space to heal. Space to grow.

— An excerpt from my book ‘root’, available on Amazon here.